Sexuality is an interesting word. In today's society, it means so much more than who you are attracted to. It defines you if you are outside the majority. I spent the first 26 years of my life hiding my sexuality and expending too much energy trying to fit in with that majority. I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that I wasn't straight.
When I came out to my best friend, I used the label "bisexual" because there was still something I couldn't explain with my feelings towards girls. In trans denial, I tried to explain it away as an attraction. But the thought of being with a woman intimately wasn't exciting. It was pure denial that ended up leading me to the bisexual label. I lived under that label privately for years. Once I came out publicly, the burden of hiding lifted, and the cracks in the dam started to give way. When the dam begins to break, it's easy to release the rest of the water.
Nine months after coming out as bisexual, I told my best friend I was trans. That raises a lot more questions about sexuality. Now that I didn't have the denial pushing me towards this non-attraction, it was pretty clear; the feelings were jealousy. I struggled with giving up that bisexual label. Coming out was hard enough to say, "Hey, I like guys and girls." How will people see me if less than a year later, I'm saying, "just kidding, I don't like girls." Ultimately, it made sense to give up on that label and admit that I was back in the majority as a straight female. Yeah, full circle.
This journey made me realize a few things.
- The people who will judge you will judge you no matter what you say or when you say it.
- The people who love you will support you no matter what.
- You will spend far too much time thinking about what strangers think of you. It turns out. They're not thinking about you. Everyone is thinking about their problems, that they don't notice you.
I have been sitting on this post for a while. I have been thinking of a way to sum it up. And I can't. So; The end.